According to a paper published in the Archives of Sexual Behaviour in 2017, 15.6 per cent of married couples have not had sex in the last year. That sounds like a lot, but others have suggested the real figure is actually much higher.
Relate is the largest provider of relationship counselling in the UK, and their research found that 29 per cent of all relationships are sexless. Then there are experts who feel even that is conservative, and estimate 50 per cent of all relationships are sexless.
However you look at it, there is a whole lot of nothing going on out there.
I just can’t quite believe that it’s as high as 50 per cent but, then again, even 15.6 per cent sounds like a lot to me. I mean, really? That many of you couple-y types have not had sex in the last year, when your partner is right there? My God! I’m having more sex than that and the closest thing I currently have to a long-term relationship is a pot plant. What on earth is going on?
When it comes to the health of a relationship, for me, sex is the canary in the coal mine. When that dies, you’re in trouble. I’m not saying you should be swinging from the chandeliers every night, but to my mind, a romantic relationship with no hanky-panky at all is cause for concern.
I am not talking about those of us on the asexuality spectrum, or anyone dealing with health issues, menopause, newborn babies, or even those currently in a dry spell. But if you and your beloved were once enjoying regular bouts of hot and heavy lovemaking which has dwindled to no more than a reluctant peck on the cheek, that is something deserving of a conversation. Put simply, if you no longer desire your partner, or even feel resentful about having sex with them, that’s a big ol’ red flag that something has gone awry.
What actually counts as a “sexless” relationship is not as straightforward as you might think. There is no scientific definition, but for the purposes of research, it is often quantified as having sex once a month or less, and this being the norm for at least the past year. I don’t think I would count that as sexless, more sex-lite. For others it means the complete absence of all sexual contact for a sustained period of time, and that’s the one that would worry me.
In case anyone was concerned, I am not in a romantic relationship with a pot plant, but I have been in several long-term relationships where all sexual desire eventually evaporated. I couldn’t even tell you why it happened, but we went from Eyes Wide Shut shenanigans to basically friend-zoning one another. Over a few years, we morphed from lovers into flatmates bickering over household chores. Is it overfamiliarity? Is it the stresses of everyday life taking their toll? Is it the simple fact that it’s very hard to be sexually attracted to a man who refuses to buy the extra-strong bin liners I like from the supermarket? I don’t know, but what I do know is that once the sex started to go, the whole thing fell apart shortly after.
It became a vicious cycle. The more the relationship deteriorated, the more I did not want that person anywhere near me, which only made things worse. Looking back, I think it was resentment on my part. There were so many problems brewing that I was too angry to have sex. I had no desire at all, just a grudging irritation for the person I was sharing a bed with. That’s not sexy for anyone. I don’t know if the relationship could have been improved by us having more sex, but there is no doubting the lack of sex was symptomatic of much deeper issues.
Having been through it, a sexless relationship is a very hard no for me. It’s not even about regularly stuffing body parts into each other, it’s about the intimacy of physical touch. It’s the relaxed playfulness of sex which covers a huge range of behaviours that go beyond penetration. Kissing, cuddling, oral sex, hell, even phone sex are all expressions of sexual closeness, but if all that goes, what are you left with?
For most of us, sex is a key defining feature of a romantic relationship. It’s the difference between a lover and a friend and, culturally, we set a lot of stock by it. Heterosexual marriages are legally “voidable” if they have not been consummated with sex, but even casual dating is defined by whether or not you’ve actually done the deed.
When all is said and done, if you’re not having sex with each other, if you’re not even kissing or holding hands, how is that relationship different to the ones you have with friends or even family? Like it or not, being physically intimate with each other is how we define romantic relationships.
A healthy sex life between partners has also been linked to increased physical and mental health. Conversely, if one or both of you are dissatisfied, the impact can be severe. No one wants to feel undesirable, in much the same way that no one wants to be nagged for sex, or made to feel they are not enough for their partner. There are many reasons why passion goes off the boil in a relationship, from health, children and work worries. But I think a big one is that we just don’t think to work at it.
When you first get together with someone, you can barely keep your hands off each other. It all feels so natural and easy. If anything, the sex is so much fun that it becomes a bit of a distraction. You remember those early, heady days when you were late for work because you couldn’t tear yourself away from that saucy minx to catch your train? The duvet days when you stayed in bed for hours just talking and shagging?
There is a name for this super-intense stage of a relationship: “limerence”. This is a biochemical process in the brain. The hypothalamus releases norepinephrine, dopamine, phenylethylamine, oestrogen and testosterone every time you are around them or think of them. You become addicted to your crush, so it’s little wonder sex is so easy. But this stage has to give way to something calmer and more enduring, or no one would ever get anything done. Eventually, the brain releases vasopressin and oxytocin, which quells the hormonal riot and induces feelings of love, rather than lust.
In order to keep the flames alight, you need to work at it, and that’s easy to forget when it all came so naturally in the beginning. You need to make time for sex and romance, even if you aren’t really feeling it. This does not mean having sex against your will. Rather, it means talking about sex, communicating your needs, and not letting the canary die because you would rather bingewatch Bridgerton. It’s all about making time for sex rather than assuming it will just happen.
In 2012, researchers at the University of Toronto studied 44 long-term couples over 21 days and found that those who made time for sex each week “reported high levels of daily sexual desire”, and that “these associations held after controlling for general communal strength, relationship satisfaction, sexual frequency, age, and whether or not the couples had children”.
When it comes to sex, there really is no “normal”, there is only what is normal for you. A sexless relationship does not mean a loveless relationship, but if you are unhappy with the amount of sex you are having with your partner, then there is an issue that needs to be addressed. A good therapist can work wonders – it’s amazing what can be sorted out with open and honest communication.
Its easy to think of sex as something shallow or even selfish, but its anything but. It’s a barometer for the entire relationship, and it is absolutely worth fighting for.