I found myself drunk at a hen do when the subject of threesomes came up. I didn’t know the women I was sitting with all that well, so I kept shtum and just listened. One of the hens was considering having a threesome with her husband and a bisexual woman, yet to be identified. They were going to advertise on various swinging websites and were sure the perfect candidate would come forth because, after all, “we’re both young and good looking”.
The responses to this revelation varied from shock to a genuine interest in the logistics of such a proposition. “Where would you do it?” “Wouldn’t you get jealous?” “Would she stay over afterwards,” et cetera. Then there was the big question: “Why?”
At this point, I didn’t say anything.
The hen, who we will call Becky, had clearly been planning for every eventuality and had an answer for every question. She was doing this to spice up things in her marriage. She had been married to a man we will call Darren for six years and this was a huge fantasy of his. Becky explained she had always “quite liked” girls and had watched lesbian porn, so was happy to make this a present for his 40th birthday.
I still didn’t say anything.
The plan was to find a beautiful, young, healthy, bisexual woman, without kids, who earned good money, and would be willing to travel to meet with them and submit to an STI test ahead of time. Let’s call this fantasy woman Buttercup. They would then all have incredible sex in a hotel somewhere and once that was over Buttercup would either go home again, or would have her own room to retire to, which they were willing to help pay for.
Even at this point, I didn’t say anything.
When it came to managing jealousy, Becky and Darren had come up with a list of rules to prevent this ever coming up. Buttercup wouldn’t be allowed to have penetrative sex with Darren, she could only have sex with Becky, while he either watched or touched his wife. She could give him oral sex at the same time as Becky did, but couldn’t kiss him on the mouth, because that was “too intimate”. Buttercup would not be allowed to have any individual contact with them in the lead-up, rather, they would all talk together in a group chat or possibly a group email.
This was when I cracked. Someone had to speak up for Buttercup, for all the Buttercups out there, and I had just enough Sambuca inside me to be that person.
“You are not looking for a woman, you are looking for a unicorn,” I shouted, slightly too loudly for the fancy restaurant we were in. “You are unicorn hunters, and before you go and show your arse in these swinger forums, you and Darren need to get your shit together.”
I’d love to tell you that I then launched into a stirring speech that motivated Becky to be the best she could be, just like the President in Independence Day, but that’s not what happened.
Becky had clearly been enjoying holding court with her shocking revelation and someone the bride kind of knew from work mouthing off to tell her she was being a dick did not go down well. She didn’t want to hear what I had to say, and it got awkward.
Recognising the folly of ruining a friend’s hen do with an argument about a theoretical threesome, I didn’t pursue it any further. But, allow me to tell you, dear reader, what it was that I found so deeply objectionable.
What Becky and Darren were doing is known in polyamorous, swinging, and kink communities as “unicorn hunting”, and it is a big no-no. The fantasy woman they had been envisioning is what is known as a unicorn for the simple reason: she doesn’t exist. What so many newbies to swinging get wrong is forgetting that any third they want to bring in is a real, whole person in their own right, and not just a prop for their fantasies. This attitude seems to be particularly prevalent in couples where a straight man and a bi woman have decided they want to experiment.
Becky kept calling her list of ground rules “boundaries”, but that isn’t what was going on. Boundaries are hugely important in all aspects of relationships, but especially critical in any polyamorous dynamics. A boundary is when you express what isn’t tolerable for you and manage your own behaviour around it. If you cannot stand the idea of another person having sex with, or touching, your partner, then your boundary should be the threesome itself. Why on earth would you agree to group sex at all when you are so clearly uncomfortable with it?
What Becky and Darren were doing was making rules to control someone else’s behaviour – that is not a boundary. What’s more, they have drawn up said rules in order to prioritise their enjoyment of their experience over that of the woman they want to have sex with. And all this was being done with zero input from the imaginary Buttercup, who has had no opportunity to discuss her needs and expectations. Anyone considering dipping their toes into group sex must discuss their limits with one another, but what you don’t do is create a neat little box for someone else, because that’s more comfortable for you, and then expect them to fit right into it.
As someone who has spent a considerable amount of time within polyam communities, I have seen this play out so many times. Swinging messaging boards are full of couples just like Becky and Darren who have spent a lot of time thinking about what will work for them and zero time considering what will work for anybody else. Threesomes can be a lot of fun, but if you are expecting someone to turn up, follow your rules, and be content just knowing that they made your relationship more interesting for you, then you have no business inviting anyone else in.
The key to a threesome is in its name: there are now three of you. As soon as you open things up and bring someone else in you are no longer a couple calling the shots, but three (or more) people who have an equal stake in whatever experience you are hoping to create. This holds true for a sexual one-off or for anyone thinking about opening up their relationship on a more permanent basis. If you approach a three-way as two vs one, it’s not going to work, and you are being very selfish.
The idea of creating rules to offset jealousy in group sex is very silly, because it’s going to happen. Envy and jealousy rear their head in every relationship and if you aren’t willing to do the internal work to deal with that, you are not ready for a threesome. Those experienced in group activities will tell you that the only way to work through these emotions is with consistent and honest communication with all involved, not by setting a bunch of arbitrary rules around who gets to touch whom.
It’s completely understandable that anyone would want to make sure a threesome didn’t derail their pre-existing relationship, but you do that by pouring time and effort into that connection to make sure it is secure enough to withstand the pressure a threesome might bring.
I have no idea what happened to Becky and Darren, or if they ever got to have their threesome. But if I had to guess, I would imagine they posted their request list on a forum somewhere and promptly got torn to pieces by those who have more experience of the scene, and rightly so. They weren’t looking for someone to share a fantasy with, they were hunting for someone to foist their fantasy upon. Not cool.
So, what is the best approach for anyone thinking of seeking a third? Just because you like watching threesomes in porn doesn’t mean you’re ready. There is a lot of groundwork you need to do. You could read a book or two about polyamory for starters, but here are some tips. Don’t create rules for someone to follow, rather express needs and desires and be open to discussing everyone else’s. Don’t go into that experience thinking you can protect your pre-existing relationship by controlling someone else’s behaviour. Be really honest about what you want and what works for you, and check in with each other regularly.
And above all, don’t get drunk and announce your intentions at a hen do in Wakefield. That’s just common sense.