Britain, we are on the starting blocks. Bums in the air, ears peeled for the pistol. We are ready to sprint into summer.

As the sun comes out and we tentatively edge from parkas to Pimms, our minds are naturally turning to holidays. Maybe this Easter weekend is your inaugural trip of the year: a mini-break to Cornwall or a camping holiday to Devon. But before you book your extended family into a villa in la Dordogne let me give you some tips on how not to immediately be labelled “ENGLISH TOURIST” the second you step off the ferry/boat/plane.

As a British woman who was raised in France, I feel equally defensive, proud and embarrassed by our behaviour the moment we cross the Channel. There is an unadulterated joy to a Brit on holiday. Like a four-year-old who has just consumed a large bag of pick ‘n’ mix walking into Hamleys. The heat, the sea, the lack of work – it all comes together into an explosive cocktail of joie de vivre.

I’m therefore hesitant to dampen that euphoria. “Be yourself,” I want to cry, “live your truth”. However, if you would like to slip into the stream of locals… allow me to give you some French-passing pointers.

Let’s start with the achilles heel of the British: alcohol. I’m not saying you can’t have any. After all, what is a sunset without a glass of rosé? B-o-r-i-n-g. Of course you should enjoy an alcoholic beverage when on your annual escape. But, there is a time, a place, a quantity, that if respected won’t immediately alienate you from the locals. In a word, my compatriots, it’s moderation. Unfortunately, we don’t have any. Unlike the French, who have been micro-dosing alcohol their entire lives, we are a binge and starve nation. We go from dry January to soaking August and there is no middle ground. So here are my tips on how to drink like the French.

Always consume alcohol with food. It doesn’t matter what time of day it is as long as there is a plate of paté/ terrine/tapenade in front of you. It’s a simple trick which elevates your day-drinking into something really quite erudite and sophisticated.

Read Next

Tatty Macleod

Like Eva Green, I'm not a b*tch, I'm just French

Read More

Small quantities. In France the standard serving for a beer is a half pint, une demi, and a standard glass of wine is 125ml. So try not to look disappointed when you order a verre of Burgundy and they hand you a miniature tumbler with barely a drop in it.

Don’t drink on the beach. It’s not a done thing. On the plus side though, if you’re looking for a more socially acceptable frisson, you can get your boobs out.

Don’t get drunk. Or do get drunk but privately. Stock up on crémant in your local supermarché and after a discreet day on the beach, take your tanned nipples for a polite apéritif and a delicate supper then go back to your gîte and get absolutely smashed. Behind closed doors.

Next, on your French-passing mission, try and avoid getting sunburnt. There is no greater faux-pas than a beacon of flush red walking around like an ambulant Union Jack warning those around you “this is not my natural habitat”. Growing up in Brittany you could always spot a Brit as they were the only people on the beach between 12pm-2pm, bingeing on Vitamin D as if the sun was going to disappear at any moment. Get yourself into the mindset of a European; relax, take your time, the sun’s not going anywhere.

Finally, and as a self-confessed extraverted, loud and opinionated British woman I loathe to say this but, if you want to pass under the radar among our Gallic brethren you need to be “less”. Be quieter, calmer, smaller. There is an elation to Brits on holiday which can quickly lead to debauchery (to put it mildly). Please stop that. Even in areas where the entire economy relies on tourism, the French have no gratitude for your presence, so just try not to alert them to your existence.

Bonne vacances.

Tatty Macleod is a comedian and improviser. She will be taking her debut show to the Edinburgh Fringe this summer