“One in four French people aren’t having sex, poll reveals.” I spit out my croissant and light a cigarette. What is this nonsense? I dive into the article ready to pick fault in these spurious claims. They’ve clearly been thrown together by an embittered English man keen to thrash the country’s amorous reputation and cast doubt over its sexual prowess. But no, there it is, hard facts and figures, alongside claims such as: “The French would now rather watch TV and play video games than have sex.”
I take my French onion soup off the hob and my quiche Lorraine out of the oven. I’ve lost my appetite. What is the world coming to if a nation built on fine wine, fromage and fornication has lost its mojo? “The survey by the IFOP institute found a notable decline in sexual activity in recent decades, particularly among young adults,” the article reads.
The fact that Gen Z isn’t having sex isn’t news to anyone. You only need to open TikTok to realise the next generation aren’t making the mistakes of my millennial brethren. When they are not advocating for the representation of marginalised individuals, they are busy working on their optimal selves. They exist in a constant state of self-analysis trying to solve profound questions like: What’s my most toxic trait? Am I the personality hire? Unlike me, who spent her twenties getting drunk as an affordable and ineffective form of emotional management, Gen Z’s are woke. Both to the world, but also to themselves.
I spent my twenties asleep, mostly. It was a deep sleep – possibly a coma – and as a result I had very low standards. I had a lot of sex with a lot of different people. This was largely because of Smirnoff Ice, yes, but also because I didn’t have the awareness to really ask myself how I felt about it afterwards. I never questioned if the boy who only ever called me after 1am, when he was drunk, wasn’t really “boyfriend material” because back then the term “f**k boi” hadn’t been invented. In 2007, they were just known as “boys”. I believe Gen Z isn’t having sex because they have invented something called “self care” and picking up half the rugby team outside Oceana doesn’t fall into that category. Fair enough.
But never in my wildest dreams did I think this wave of woke would reach it’s enlightened tentacles across the Channel and touch France. No offence to French cuisine, the Eiffel Tower and fashion, but being full of rampant lovers is basically the country’s whole personality. It’s so engrained in our understanding of French culture that in Yorgos Lanthimos’ new film Poor Things, there is an unforgettable scene where a French man takes his two sons to a sex worker to educate them on how to become good lovers. The dad talks through his seduction technique as his sons sit in a corner, diligently taking notes. It’s the only realistic scene in the entire film.
Although I’m sad that a nation who can’t write a single novel without some kind of incestuous sub plot has lost its sex drive, I can just about accept it from Gen Z. But the rest of them – the millennials? The boomers? These people were raised listening to the dulcet tones of Birkin and Gainsbourg’s “je t’aime, moi non plus”. Perhaps if it was written now it would be: “Je t’aime… shall we binge watch The Traitors?”
I light another cigarette, pour myself a Pastis, and pick up the article again. I’m determined to get to the bottom of this virginal mystery. “Women are less prone to agree to sex with their partners as a matter of conjugal duty than they were a couple of generations ago,” it continues.
Ah. Feminism. Well, that is a difficult thing to argue against. I never thought I’d celebrate a loss in sex drive, but if it’s the result of the emancipation of women, I can’t complain. Maybe we need to reframe our reading of this news. People aren’t having less sex because they’ve lost their sexual appetite, they’re having less sex because they’ve gained the freedom to do other things.
We are no longer shackled by constricting gender ideals. We are now free to indulge our deepest desires, which it turns out, are snuggling and reading. I can only see that as a positive thing, even for the French.
Tatty Macleod is a French/English bilingual comedian, she is on tour now.