This is an article for anyone in a long-term relationship who is hoping to get engaged, or who has recently become engaged. Beware of the “shut up ring”. What is a shut up ring, Kate? It’s an engagement ring that has been proffered, not because the giver seriously wants to get married, but because they want the recipient to shut up about getting married.
It is any ring that has been reluctantly given. Maybe it was hassled into existence, or maybe the ring suddenly materialised after a serious argument about commitment. However it appears, the shut up ring is not a serious expression of commitment, but rather a way to buy time and quell the constant stream of questions about when you’ll be getting engaged. At its most manipulative, it’s a way of dangling marriage in front of someone who really wants it to stop them from realising they are wasting their time and walking away.
The term “shut up ring” is a fairly recent one, popularised by TikToker Cecilia Regina, who has created a whole playlist on the subject on her page. It makes for fascinating viewing. The comment section alone is a sort of proxy confessional where people are telling their stories or suddenly understanding the reality of their own situation – they have been the recipient of a “shut up ring!”
The phrasing may be new, but the concept is not. The image of a man being pressured into proposing is surely as old as the institution of marriage itself, and almost always involves a straight man.
The Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Act was passed on 17 July 2013, and meant that same-sex couples were legally able to marry. Hurrah! I am going to assume that same sex couples can also find themselves in a “shut up ring” situation, but when the phenomenon is discussed across social media, it is almost always a straight couple who are in the dock, and the man who is reluctantly handing over a ring. I have searched the internet and its myriad chatrooms for an example of a “shut up ring” in a same sex couple and have turned up a blank. I’m sure they are out there, but I struggled to find them.
The reason for this seems to be that straight culture remains weirdly attached to the custom that only the man can propose. He’s the one who is supposed to kneel to the ground, pull out a ring, and ask his beloved to marry him. In accordance with this tradition, all a woman can do is badger him to get on with it.
There are many things I envy about gay relationships, but the freedom for either partner to just pop the question whenever they want to know the answer is right up there with better sex and doubling your wardrobe. I really think it’s high time straight couples kicked this historical hangover to the curb and normalised women popping the question. But I do wonder how many heterosexual relationships would end overnight if more women felt able to just straight out ask her partner if it was a yes or a no on the marriage front. You can wait your entire life for a reluctant partner to move from a “I’d like to marry you one day” to a serious and enthusiastic proposal.
I have been the sorry recipient of a “shut up ring” in my short, but colourful dating history. I will share my story with you in the hopes that it will help you spot the signs and avoid the same fate. The first red flag is the length of time I had been with my partner with no proposal, nine years in my case. Nine sodding years, and we had lived together for most of those.
The second red flag is that I had made it very clear that I would like to get married a few years in, and no proposal came. It was always “one day,” or “we’ll do it when we are in a more stable place, financially”. If you are in a position where you are constantly asking about when you will get married and your partner keeps dodging the question, that is not a good sign.
There are many, many couples out there who are in long-term, committed relationships and haven’t got married, but that is not for me. I believe in marriage for practical, rather than romantic reasons. Personally, I think it’s a bad idea to live with someone, share assets, and maybe raise children, and not have a legal contract in place to protect yourself and your family in the event of death or divorce. I know that’s not the Disney version of marriage but, then again, we never got to see what Cinderella got in the divorce settlement, did we? For me, it’s just about being smart, but I was not being smart when I got my “shut up ring”.
I had been hinting, pushing, and leaving magazine articles about buying the perfect engagement ring around the house for a few years before I started to accept that “some day” was not going to arrive. We had agreed we were “engaged to be engaged” and that held me for a while. Looking back, I could slap myself for being so pathetic. “Engaged to be engaged?” What on earth is that? I finally realised that I was waiting for him to ask because I knew if I asked him, he’d probably say no, and that would be very difficult to come back from. I wanted him to want to ask me, and it was quite clear that he didn’t.
“Sunk cost fallacy” is defined as “the idea that a company or organisation is more likely to continue with a project if they have already invested a lot of money, time, or effort in it, even when continuing is not the best thing to do”. I think this played a big part in my decision to push for a proposal, rather than accepting the person I was with didn’t want that.
After a number of heated arguments about our future, and the suggestion we talk to a relationship counsellor, a proposal finally arrived. I’ll give him his dues, it was a good proposal, and the ring was one I liked, but, deep down, I knew his heart wasn’t in it. I knew this was because I’d made it clear that I didn’t want to continue unless we were on a more secure, legal footing. I had backed him into a corner, and he responded by reluctantly putting a ring on it. But I ignored all of that and told myself we are getting married and everything was going to be great.
The final red flag came when I realised that I was the one doing all the wedding preparations. He seemed quite happy to draw this out and have as long an engagement as possible. The truth is that we should have broken up a long time ago, but I kept hanging in, thinking it could get better. I don’t know why he stayed with someone he didn’t really want to marry. Maybe it was easier than walking away and starting over again.
We limped along for a bit longer, but no ring could mask the fact that the wheels had come off a long time ago. It was a bad break up, actually made worse by the fact that we were engaged and had to call the wedding off when we finally admitted defeat. I have yet to hear of any “shut up ring” proposal that ends well. It is almost always a disaster.
An engagement should be a joyous, happy event. It shouldn’t ever be something reluctantly entered into or pressured for. That’s just not healthy. So, if you find yourself in a romantic relationship where you have made it very clear that you do want to get married, and your partner is prevaricating, dismissing, or distracting, remember that is an answer. And the answer is no. It might not be that they never want to get married, but they clearly do not want to marry you. So cut your losses and walk away.
Do not ever settle for a “shut up ring”. Find someone who is ridiculously excited to be with you, who doesn’t make you beg for the commitment you want. Or better yet, do what I did: stay single and buy yourself as many damn rings as you like, and be obnoxiously loud about it too.