“Ivan + Hayley 23”– it’s a classic piece of prose. A timeless combination of Lover + Lover + Year. It would be traditionally found scribbled in a location that has a deep meaning to the couple in question such as a nightclub toilet, a school desk or a bus stop. It’s the sonnet of the graffiti world and one which would put a smile on your face as you hover above a seat-less loo at 3am.
Unfortunately “Ivan + Hayley 23” wasn’t carved into a Wetherspoon’s cubicle. Instead the artist opted for the side of the Colosseum in Rome. Now, you can get away with the odd local transgression, not that I’m encouraging people to carve declarations of love into Formica bus stops whilst waiting for the 47, but it’s forgivable. Shamelessly chipping into the side of a 2,000-year-old amphitheatre in broad daylight is not.
The Italian police haven’t officially named the couple (though Ivan and Hayley would seem a pretty safe bet) but they have revealed that they are from Bristol. Ivan’s great act of romantic desecration was filmed by another tourist who shared it with officials and he is now looking down the barrel at anywhere between a hefty fine and five years in prison. He must really love Hayley.
This incident has re-invigorated the debate around the impact of tourism, which is booming since the pandemic. It poses the question; How can we all be better tourists?
Tourism is something I’m well versed in. Before turning my hand to comedy I could be found as a guide, shuttling people down The Mall towards Buckingham Palace, flag in one hand, microphone in the other for the Changing of the Guard. Windsor, Bath, Stonehenge, Oxford, Paris, the Cotswolds… I’ve covered them all.
It would be unfair to tar all tourists with the same brush, some people I’ve worked with have been exemplary travellers. They’ve been mindful and well-researched, inquisitive and keen to discover. Some less so. I’ve experienced a lot of what I would call lazy tourism. These people are not actively seeking to do anything offensive but by virtue of making no effort whatsoever they are passively insulting.
The sort of tourists who go to Paris and will only eat in American fast food chains. I discussed this with an old colleague of mine, Georgia. She shared with me a recent example of lazy tourism: “I took a couple from the US around Paris and they tried to pay for everything in dollars. They hadn’t even researched the local currency.”
Then a step up from that, there are the vigorously bad tourists. Like the man who during one of Georgia’s tour of the Catacombs (an underground burial site home to more than six million human remains in Paris) stood in a corner and urinated. These are individuals whose common sense, decency, and respect exit the building the moment they step foot in an airport.
So let me give you my two pro-tips on how to be a better tourist.
Firstly, learn the following phrase in the language of whichever country you are in: “Hello, I’m very sorry I don’t speak (insert language) do you speak English?” If there is no way you can learn it linguistically then write it down and show it before you launch into assuming people can and are willing to speak English. Take it from a French woman; this mono-linguistic arrogance really rubs people up the wrong way.
Secondly, you don’t exist in a vacuum when you are on holiday. Whoever said, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” hadn’t heard of Interpol. Don’t do anything you wouldn’t do at home. If you wouldn’t carve your name on the side of Westminster Abbey, don’t do it on the Colosseum.
Ultimately if we don’t get bad tourism under check it’s going to be us, the tourists, that lose out. Look at Stonehenge, once upon a time you could walk into the ancient circle and hold communion with the stones. Not anymore. Graffiti, degradation and the increased footfall have left us admiring from afar and the busier it gets the further back the access is pushed.
So unless we want to experience the Louvre, the Duomo, the tower of Pisa from a distance or behind Perspex glass we need to get our act in order. As for our lovebirds Ivan and Hayley, according to Georgia there might be some hope for them on the horizon: “Well,” she mused, the Ancient Romans did invent graffiti…”
Tatty Macleod is a comedian. She will be taking her debut show to the Edinburgh Fringe this summer